It’s not every day you make a new best friend, but there I was.

While I appreciated the appreciation for my efforts in creating some Toastmasters training videos, her excitement and gleeful presence made me eager to hear more about her.

Once we finished our hallway discussions, getting to know each other like two giddy teenagers who can’t stop sharing secrets and dreams, we snuck into the next session a bit late. Diane told me about her career, her husband, and her children. She has twins! I have so much admiration for parents who have multiples. She shared about her career and how she and her husband put off starting a family to get settled and established in their careers first. She told me about a wonderful family tradition surrounding birthdays. She shared the challenges too.

What does Diane do? She is an operational assistant at St Mary’s Medical center in Hobart, IN where she resides. This is her first full-time job since leaving full-time work in 2009 to be stay at home mom. Diane continued to share:

“I had every intention of being a career mom. I loved the career I was in. The challenge of having kids close in age – that was impossible. I realized I did not possess the ability or the skill to keep all the plates spinning, so I had to let go of the career part. The only way I was able to end up where I am today is to let go of what I did 15 years ago. I grieved it. It was not something I came to easily or willingly. I couldn’t switch gears. I didn’t have that skill. In order to balance, I had to realize what was demanding my time.

I brought part of my career back into my life in 2012 doing my own business. It wasn’t financially profitable, so I let it go after a few years. Then, I went into non-profit work.

I discerned early on what I was able and capable of. I can look back and see it was a season of my life.

There was no going back to the way it was before kids. There will be seasons in life. Dreams delayed are not dreams denied. My dream was to have a career and children, just not all at the same time. There is no right or wrong, no judgement. If there was a book to find out how to do both, I would have found it. God came back and showed me it ‘really was a no.’

I’m the youngest of 12 – my mom was a 1950’s housewife. I had no model for a working woman, putting myself through school, a full-time job, the traditional roles were set aside for my spouse and I to partner.”

Over the years as a stay-at-home mom, I can tell she poured love into her family and created some beautiful memories her girls cherish. What are some of her favorite traditions or pass times? Diane said, “I love spending time in the kitchen with my family. It’s absolutely no pressure. I spend 2-3 hours making a meal.” She even brought the girls in on creating food, together with mom, where they can “get messy, let go of expectations, and connect.” She did say it wasn’t always as efficient, but no one ever went hungry.

I enjoy hearing what moms love most about their role in raising tiny humans into adults. Diane mentioned that she’s always had an interest in personal development and proudly accepted her role of shaping her girls. She said even with twins, “They all could not be any more different. I am a leader in their lives and personal development.”

As far as challenges go, Diane’s response wasn’t quite what I expected, but enjoyable, nonetheless. I had expected to hear about the struggles of being a mom. Instead, she shared that they set a family goal of hiking together. “Most recently was an 8-mile challenge,” she shared. Then she said her husband shared with her that their hiking is kind of like a retreat. They’ve managed to connect more deeply as a family through something as simple as taking a hike.

I really enjoyed her answer, but I still wanted to know what she thought was the biggest challenge of being a mom. Her answer inspired me. “If I could have done it perfectly for them, I would have.”  She shared that she had to fail in order to be the parent they needed and there’s no magic wand to do it perfectly, “no matter how cute they are.”

As you’ve heard, Diane began with a vision of what she thought her perfect life would be. However, with a spouse and then children, our lives are transformed into something new. Diane shared how she and her husband have navigated through the years of marriage and parenting together, as a team.

“I would say if I had it my way – I could do it all myself the way I have it pictured in my mind…. I have had the lesson with my husband – figuring out who does what and communicating that. To connect and be clear about what is important to me. Being able to communicate clearly from a place of ease… There’s a lot to manage, priorities to discuss. Coming from a place of partnership and working with my husband as a team is very important. Not having an example to go by – ‘we’re gonna see how this goes.’ If I could share my life with him and experience joy in just hanging out with him – I think I’m winning. We’re not quite empty nesters – part-time empty nesters. I still enjoy time with him.

We get into trouble when I take it all way too seriously. I remind myself that I have an amazing partner and he’s my friend. In the past few months I told him ‘Yeah, you really are my best friend. You’re the one that’s showing up. That is special.’”

Diane and her husband are a model for other couples to follow. They’ve even created some of their own family traditions which you could even consider trying. One of her traditions is the birthday hat.

“My mother just turned 80. I have a velvet birthday hat I bought for like $6 from Justice, for one of my kids. I kept bringing it out for everybody’s birthday. It’s been a symbol of them being celebrated. Now we use it for extended family too. Putting the hat on new family members shows them they’re part of the family. If you wear the birthday hat you belong and you are celebrated.”   

I’ve mentioned ways that Diane has shared about her impact, but I wanted to know how the experience of motherhood has impacted her, especially now that she’s on the cusp of being an empty-nester.  

“My parenting moment is right now. My youngest literally just turned 20. With them no longer being teens, they along with me, they are seeing their childhood in retrospect. When I’m looking at photos – in trying to study my own family dynamic and connections in family. What I am seeing is the moment I realized what is feeling most precious to me right now is really those raw, unfiltered moments. What I see myself looking back on aren’t the staged or scheduled photos. It’s the barking dog and the candid moments. This is coming from me, who is very much an achiever and goal oriented. But what feels most precious are those messy moments. I learned from Brene Brown the importance of photos. I used to read her books. She inspired me when no one was showing up for me the way I needed them to. I learned I needed to show up first. I needed the self-reflection and self-love.”   

I couldn’t wrap up this interview without asking what advice Diane would give other moms.

“Okay, okay. One. You are not able to give to your children, sustainably, what you aren’t giving to yourself. This is beyond ‘can’t give from an empty cup.’ This is about acceptance. The needs of our children, accepting them where they are, who they are, how they are is one thing I’ve seen consistent no matter the difference in personality. That is the common thread for us to make any real headway on their development. It’s acceptance. I discovered I needed to accept parts of myself. I realized I was parenting from where I was broken. As soon as I worked on accepting myself, I was able to nurture my children.

I was shoving myself aside. It wasn’t sacrifice. That’s different. I was shoving my needs aside from a place of scarcity and then I had no resources to take care of them. My body got louder until I couldn’t shove it anymore. Then, I had to make changes. Everything has a cost. The advice is: if you think your kids needs something, it’s likely you need it first.

Really look at what is going on inside of you. Meet yourself there, accept it, and model it for your kids. The relief of ‘oh, I don’t have to be something to be loved or accepted. I get to be who I am where I’m at.’”

At the conclusion of our interview, Diane shared a final thought. “As moms, we judge ourselves. Judging ourselves really gets in the way of loving ourselves, right where we’re at.”

There were several takeaways for me as I gleaned as much as I could from Diane, a seasoned mom with so much wisdom. Here are just a few:

• You must realize what is demanding of your time to discover where you need to find balance.
• “Dreams delayed are not dreams denied”
• “Get messy, let go of expectations, and connect”
• We have to fail in order to shape into the parent our kids need – there is no magic wand
• Don’t take things too seriously
• Create fun and unique traditions for your family
• Experience and capture the raw moments, not just the picture-perfect ones
• “If your kids need something, it’s likely you need it first”
• Love yourself, accept yourself first in order to give your kids what they need

I would love to hear your takeaways too. Tell me what inspired you and something you may start thinking differently or doing differently as a mom. Whether you are a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, or somewhere in between, we can all learn from one another. We are not alone.  

I am thankful to have a mom like Diane Arias featured as our MWP for May of 2024.